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Emotional Intelligence
I am often asked the question – how can I change my behaviour when certain relationships push my buttons?
I am sure anyone reading this can identify. We all have blind spots in relationships and games that we have perfected over years to protect us from experiencing strong emotions.
18 years ago my life changed. I was admitted to a well known West London hospital! It was March 8th 1999 and I was merely surviving - emotionally and physically. Outwardly I had a successful career, was on a fast-track programme, had a great social life in London and I was about to get married. Nobody would have known that I wasn't thriving (apart from a few close friends) and I certainly didn't see the warning signs that led me to burnout. My employers at the time were amazing and gave me timeout to help me recover. I spent over a month in hospital before returning to the workplace. I am still friends with the HR Director who supported me on that journey (you know who you are). I am very grateful that I had such a positive experience when I confided in her and the MD of the business. Whilst they were surprised they supported me whole heartedly and gave me the time I needed to get well.
I have never shared my story publicly probably through fear of being judged by others - although I often share with clients or on an individual basis. Ironically though I know that the more vulnerable I am, the greater connection and support I have from others and the more others connect with me. It gives others permission to be honest. The work I do around resilience today has been shaped by my past experiences. So why wouldn't I share this - by not sharing I am just aligning myself with the stigma that already exists around Mental Health. The more we share about it, the less of a stigma it becomes. We learn from each other and teach each other. Connecting with others is one aspect of resilience and has been such a fundamental part of my own journey.
Resilience is about an individual’s capacity to effectively manage their energy, bounce back from stressful situations and adapt positively to adversity, pressure and change. A person’s resilience will be shaped by their beliefs, values, experiences and environment. We face challenges and get knocked back all the time; it’s how you let it affect you and how you deal with it that matters. Resilience is a process that can be developed through life - for myself Emotional Resilience has been about learning to live with uncomfortable emotions - the positive and negative ones. I spent years believing that negative emotions were to be avoided and I chased positive ones. Today I don't judge them as positive or negative but I use them as information to help me make choices and steer my life in the right direction for me.
My experience 18 years ago gave me a catalyst for change. I have spent the last 18 years developing my own resilience from a physical, mental and emotional perspective. I have learnt techniques that help me to THRIVE most of the time. I know what emotions I am experiencing when I start to move to a survival state and I know what to do to bring myself back to a more balanced place. I am so grateful that I am able to use the tools I have learnt to help others be more emotionally aware and fit.
The Mental Organisation this year is exploring why too few of us are thriving with good mental health. I have some observational evidence in the work that I do today to support this. One of the self awareness exercises that I facilitate is to get people to explore what percentage of their time they spend in Surviving or Thriving. I have observed that more and more people are spending over 50% of their time in Survival and it is only by creating space for them to explore this that they are able to see it.
I know I am thriving when I am feeling energised, balanced, motivated and positive. I am enthusiastic and realistic. I have a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I have the right blend in terms of my professional and personal activities. I have a sense of humour and perspective.
If you want to know more about how you can develop your own resilience or emotional intelligence please contact Amanda Wildman on 07815 743045 or visit www.emotionally-i-fit.com.
One of the many acquired methods I learnt during my executive coaching training was how to spot and work with the inner critic of a client (as well as my own).
In her book "The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women", Valerie Young offers an empowering plan to overcome the needless self-doubt that keeps them from feeling as intelligent and competent as everyone else knows they are.
In her decades of in-the-trenches research on women’s self-limiting feelings and beliefs about themselves and their success, Valerie Young has uncovered the often surprising reasons why so many accomplished women feel as though they are “faking it” – impostors in their own lives and careers.
While the"impostor syndrome" is not unique to women, they are more likely to agonise over tiny mistakes and blame themselves for failure; see even constructive criticism as evidence of their shortcomings; and chalk up their accomplishments to luck rather than skill. When they do succeed, they think “Phew, I fooled them again”. Perpetually waiting to be “unmasked” doesn’t just drain a woman’s energy and confidence, it can make her more risk-averse and less self-promoting than her male peers, which can hurt her future success.
As a coach I believe it is my role to be alert to warning signs that my client's saboteur may have taken control of their voice box - I tend to do this when I have a sense of circling the issue round and round and round. You can spot this for yourself - what are the constant self-limiting conversations that you have about yourself that just aren't true?
I ask my clients to personify it. Give it a name - who is speaking here? What is this voice saying? How would you describe the voice? Who's voice is it? Name your impostor - what would you call it?
Challenge yourself - what is the real truth, not the impostor's version? Accept that getting a promotion or moving towards your dream will be an exciting adventure that will bring up many emotions. Don't let the negative emotions stop you fulfilling your potential or enjoying it when you get there.
Develop your Self Regard - accept and value yourself. Once a day take few minutes to notice your 'inner critic' and challenge it with the question "is that really true?" and then affirm yourself - you are worth it.
Have fun and play with it - life it too short. I love Marianne Williamson quote "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world."
I now run a coaching programme to help women, and men overcome their 'Impostor Syndrome'. I asked one of my clients to write a testimonial for me - we had fun working with our impostors on many occasions during this coaching relationship.
"Amanda’s talent lies in her unerring ability to ask the right question, listen to the answer - and hear what you’re not saying. She will - with kind, insightful persistence – bring to the surface deep, simple truths. And if you’re open to listening, you’ll come to understand the simplest truth: that the only person with the power to hold you back – or drive your success - is yourself. With Amanda’s encouragement, you can focus on what really matters, and take responsibility for the small steps which make a lasting change. Good coaches don’t always make it easy or comfortable. But they do provide a safe place where you can discover in yourself and others the small number of things that make the biggest difference. And Amanda is a brilliant coach."
Contact Amanda Wildman at amanda@emotionally-i-fit.com or call her on 07815 743045 to find out more.
I am often asked the question – how can I change my behaviour when certain relationships push my buttons?
I am sure anyone reading this can identify. We all have blind spots in relationships and games that we have perfected over years to protect us from experiencing strong emotions.
Dr. Eric Berne is the author of Games People Play, the groundbreaking book in which he introduces Games and Transactional Analysis to the world. According to Dr. Berne, games are ritualistic transactions or behaviour patterns between individuals that can indicate hidden feelings or emotions. A runaway success, Games People Play spent more than two years on the New York Times bestseller list in the mid 1960s – longer than any non-fiction book over the preceding decade. Games People Play and Transactional Analysis have gone on to influence and inspire millions of people, including Thomas A. Harris, author of I’m OK – You’re OK and Muriel James, author of Born to Win.
Emotional Intelligence is a combination of attitudes and behaviours that distinguish outstanding performance from average performance. It provides a framework for understanding how you manage yourself to be personally and interpersonally effective. Your emotions are influenced by your attitudes. In particular, your attitude towards yourself and your attitude towards other people. There are 16 dimensions relating to Emotional Intelligence that great leaders will display. In these interviews, we are going to explore how successful leaders demonstrate these EI behaviours in their work.
In my experience the topic is now getting greater exposure in the boardroom. How to develop the right leadership behaviours in order to improve performance and the emotional engagement of employees is now a very hot topic and rightly so. I do, however, observe that there is still a discomfort in the workplace with talking about emotions, and different cultures will, of course, bring another layer of complexity to this issue.
Amanda Wildman - Director of Emotionally-i-Fit is an expert in Emotional Intelligence and leadership development.
Emotionally-i-Fit runs assessments, coaching programmes, workshops and leadership retreats that help leaders and organisations to measure and develop the 16 metrics of Emotional Intelligence.
Empathy is the degree to which a person is in touch with the feelings of others. It is a dimension of emotional intelligence and can have a massive impact on emotional engagement of employees at both an individual level but also at an organisational level. The degree to which a leader is in touch with the feelings of others will be based on how aware they are of themselves - their emotions from a physiology perspective, their feelings, intuitions and to some degree, their thoughts. From an organisational perspective, engagement surveys regularly check and measure how people feel and provide a significant amount of information that assesses this. The challenge with this is that once an organisation has this information, it needs to do something different to make changes, if appropriate, based on what it has learned.
This week is Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK and the theme is on relationships. Building healthy relationships and connections both personally and professionally can have a significant impact on performance and our health.
'A leader without a great team, or without an excellent relationship with his team, will struggle to achieve greatness, as a leader cannot do everything themselves.' - Gordon Tredgold
Gender diversity in the boardroom is proven to have a positive impact on corporate performance. I believe the way to achieve greater gender diversity in the workplace is to develop dimensions of Emotional Intelligence in both men and women leaders. Organisations need to look at this issue on a much deeper level in order to effect transformational change.
